i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
we're making bets on your personal life
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
