I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
