he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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