My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
