I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
