if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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