I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
