I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
