I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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