We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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