i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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