I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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