non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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