Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
