totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I don't deserve a penis
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Randomize
