maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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