Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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