also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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