and next time when you feel me up, do it right
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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