Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
