We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
