Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
