I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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