I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
