I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Soap is not a condiment
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
birth control should be required to get into college
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
