I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
