I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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