If i come over, it means nothing
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Randomize
