I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
