Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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