he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Why is your signature on my underwear?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
