Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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