she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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