My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Randomize
