im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
