flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
