the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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