did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
