Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
