I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
