She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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