you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
