Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
