i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
