The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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