today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Randomize
