I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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