We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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