I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
