i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
