Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Randomize
